self pity and whining

Warning: as the title indicates, this post is full of whining.

There was a line I heard in a movie once. "Everybody's peeing on my head and telling me it's rain."

This is how I've been feeling for a while now. Things were going great. I was in a job I loved with bosses that I respected and co-workers that I adored. I met the man of my dreams and we got married. Then, we decided that we should both finish our college degrees. Granted, that would mean spending some time apart... but we thought that would be easier to do while we didn't have children. Once I got over the initial worries, I got very excited about this plan. It was going to be my last hurrah. Once we were both graduated, Jeremy would get a great job someplace and we would be D.I.N.K.s for a few years. THEN... we could have all the babies we ever wanted!

What a great plan!

Then I was pregnant. Wait... what?

So, I changed jobs and took a few classes online. Then Jeremy decides he wants to halt the PhD and get a job. So, we move. We buy a wonderful little house. He becomes a high school teacher. I transferred within the company. All the while, I'm totally depressed.

I have Samuel. I quit my job to stay home with him. Depression is over. I love life! Maybe when Samuel's old enough for school, I can find a job I really like or OPEN MY BAKERY and fulfill some dreams.

What a great plan!

Then the economy plummets. Wait... what?

The school tells Jeremy that they have to give his job to a more senior faculty member. He starts looking for new jobs. We start talking about putting Samuel in DAYCARE while I work full-time. Where can I work? Well... the bank that I worked for previously isn't hiring right now. Jeremy keeps mentioning nursing home and hospital "chef" jobs. I don't want to go back to a foodservice job, with it's physical exhaustion, crazy hours, ridiculous drama, and stress.

Every time Jeremy and I talk about it, I start crying. All I can do is imagine the worst. I think about somebody else being there when Samuel does really cute things that I would take a picture of. Of somebody else hearing his first words. Somebody else playing with him all day. Somebody else helping him take his first steps. I know I'm painting the bleakest picture possible... but I don't know what else to imagine. I know people do it all the time. I know. But seriously, now that I'm used to being with Samuel 24/7... I don't know if I can handle giving him over to somebody else!

I'm also scared to death that I'll be "too tired" to give him enough attention when I get home. I think this might really be the biggest part of my worries. I mean, come on! If Samuel gets up at 7, I have to work 8-6, and he goes to bed at 9... oh my God! 3.5 hours with my son. That's it?!?!!?!?!?

I know that it's hard and frustrating for Jeremy, and that he's stressed out trying to "hedge our bets" by looking for new jobs and finishing licensure stuff. It's stressful for both of us, being in limbo right now.

I'm also frustrated by the fact that everytime I'm happy, something happens. And then, I start feeling like, "Everybody's peeing on my head and telling me it's rain."

End whininess.