A Couple of Quick Pictures because I Don't Have the Internet at HOME.

I haven't posted since JANUARY because I don't have the internet at the house. And when I DO have access, it's only for 5-10 minutes at a time. Some people on Twitter are probably convinced that I only have a baby girl, because there are new pictures of her in my feed every five seconds. SO. I decided to post a few pictures of Samuel first.

Jeremy got a new camera for Christmas, and I started playing with it yesterday. Look at the mini-manliness of my boy! Make it stop-- he's growing up too fast!

Pictures of Rebekkah next time. Whenever that may be!

2011

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Sold a house! In this crappy market, can you believe it? It wasn't even on the market three full months!
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I kept a few of them. I spent way more time with Samuel this year, which was an exhausting pleasure. I've been cooking WAY more. I think I definitely found more joy in the little things this year.
Most of my resolutions for 2012 will remain the same. A do-over of sorts, since I had a baby and my plans changed.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Do I count? Because I had a lovely, lovely little girl. And so did A'Dell. And Maggie. And my friend Crystal. And Maureen. And my midwife. And...
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My last grandparent passed away-- my paternal grandmother. But I haven't been close to her in years, due to a multitude of things, all complicated.
5. What countries did you visit?
No foreign countries this year. Unless you count Alabama. Which I almost do, having lived here for several months now.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn't have in 2011?
Financial security. Married, adult friends. A Kindle Fire.
7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?
October 3- my due date... when I learned that Rebekkah was breech.
October 6- the day Rebekkah was born.
July 15- the last Harry Potter movie came out.
8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
Having a baby, sans meds! after an external cephalic version. Moving while pregnant-- again. Living peacefully with my parents.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not resting properly after Rebekkah was born. No, really. After Samuel, I sprang back up with no problem. This time around, I didn't take advantage of everybody's efforts to help me rest.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Only my standard bouts of Strep. And shoving out a baby.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Health insurance? Beer? I feel like I really didn't buy a lot this year.

Oh wait!

Yesterday, I paid my registration fee for The Blathering.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My entire family through the move-in together transition. No, really. My parents have been lovely, Jeremy has been great, Samuel has been adorable, and I have been pretty decent.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
An unnamed individual who,
on top of treating one of my best friends like trash,
constantly makes poor life choices,
puts herself in constant danger,
and is rarely, if ever, faithful in her relationships
got pregnant.,
She is now constantly harping on about how she expects the father to take care of her so she can stay home. She refuses to stop smoking, drinking, or indulging in recreational drugs.
After losing a baby in September 2010, her behavior gives me total rage. There are families all over the world who would change everything about their lives if they could get pregnant.
I hate her.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Food. More bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finding out that I was pregnant again! The last Harry Potter movie! My sister visiting from California! Realizing that I was doing a great job of controlling my weight gain through my pregnancy!
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Since every moment of every day makes me think of a song... I HAVE NO IDEA. Maybe Moving Right Along from the Muppets Green Album.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
WAY happier! About the same weight as last year, just slightly more fluffy, since I had a baby. We're poorer right now, but we're in the process of turning that around via credit card debt consolidation, selling our house, and living with my parents.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I could have had the time and money to take a trip with my husband. I wish I could have done more traveling. More staying in touch with friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating. Whining.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Went to a candlelight midnight service Christmas Eve (honestly? one of the most boring, annoying, not-Christmassy services EVER). Got up and had breakfast with the family (before letting Samuel rip into gifts, oh the wisdom!), did gifts, and went to church AGAIN. Came home and had a delicious Korean meal. Went to Starbucks with my beloved sister. Had more Korean food. Started watching Cars when... the power went out! We spent the rest of the evening sitting around the living room, in candlelight.
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Fell in love with my life all over again-- with my job, my husband, my son, my friends. Found new love, in the eyes of my little Droid.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Uh... uh... Firefly. I mean, it wasn't actually running, but it's what I watched. On iTunes.
Basically, anything that I happened to catch that wasn't playing on Sprout, Disney, or PBS Kids.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope. I think I even managed to let go of some hate. Because I realized that I just don't have the time or energy to waste.
24. What was the best book you read?
Pilllars of the Earth, by Ken Follett.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
See #16 above.
26. What did you want and get?
A healthy baby. Long boots. Time with friends. Great memories.
27. What did you want and not get?
A shopping spree. Techno gadgets that I don't actually need. Like a Kindle Fire. Or an iPhone. To go to The Blathering. Beer.
28. What was your favorite film of 2011?
Hop. Ha. Not really. I didn't manage to see many new movies in 2011. I think I saw four, in order from best to worst: Cars 2, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, Hop.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28! I was probably working. I rock it like that. Plus we were getting ready to move. And most of my festivities got postponed to the following weeks, when friends took me out for multiple meals, gave me gifts, and managed my Harry Potter obsession with more grace than I can imagine. Also, they helped me pack boxes. Happy birthday to me!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not needing to move. Yup. That's probably it.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?
Will it help me stay cool? Does it emphasize pregnant over fat? Can I wear it while I'm not pregnant? Will my mother freak out over the cling/length/neckline?
32. What kept you sane?
Twitter. Because I didn't (and still don't) have the internet at my parents' house. And Twitter doesn't require a phancy phone. Also, Via Iced Coffee and my parents' yard/porch.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Uh... the fact that they're all liars and criminals?
34. Who did you miss?
My sister. Friends that I left behind when I moved- in 2011 AND 2008.
35. Who was the best new person you met?
Rebekkah!
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
I can do it. I am strong. I can find joy in every moment of life-- even the moments that suck. Every thing that I need, I have. I am beautiful. I feel better and can manage my days beter when I wake up, shower, dress, and caffeinate before the kids wake up. I look better with long hair and tinted moisturizer.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Rather than a song lyric, my quote for the year is from William Penn's More Fruits of Solitude.

Death is but Crossing the World, as Friends do the Seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is Omnipresent. In this Divine Glass, they see Face to Face; and their Converse is Free, as well as Pure. This is the Comfort of Friends, that though they may be said to Die, yet their Friendship and Society are, in the best Sense, ever present, because Immortal.

Thrift Store Brag!

Oh guys...

My lovely friend Kellie and I stopped in some weird discount store today, and then? She let me wander, unsupervised, through a thrift store.  Let me tell you what I picked up!

7 pairs of men's pants (2 Gap, 1 Dockers, 2 Old Navy, 1 Calvin Klein, 1 Polo)
1 pair of men's Calvin Klein jeans, new with tags
1 pair of LOFT heels (25% off!)
1 LOFT blouse                                                                                              


Total paid: $60.00

Moving, Transfers, and the Magical Speeding up of Time When You Want it to SLOW DOWN.

The management that I've dealt with since being with Starbucks (two years on July 6!) has been generally awesome. My store manager is phenomenal, as are my fellow shift supervisors, the several other store managers in my district that I've had contact with have been great, and my district manager is usually amazing.

However. 

I am currently annoyed. 

• I asked my district manager about the proper protocol for transferral.  
• She gave me some directions, which I followed. 
• I then left her a voicemail to follow up on my actions and received NO FEEDBACK. 
• So I contacted the DM of the district that I'm hoping to transfer to... she sent an email to my DM here in Virginia... who contacted my store manager and wanted to know why I was not following the proper chains of communication.
• The DM said I needed to fill out a form. 
• I did that, and left it with my store manager to finish and send to the DM. 
• AND THEN I find out that I was supposed to have done all this extra leg work and found a store to transfer to FIRST. 

WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT THE DM TOLD ME TO DO THE FIRST TIME I ASKED.

Long story short, I lost nearly a month in the transfer process because my DM didn't tell me the right things to do. UGH.

Jeremy is going to interview for a teaching position in Opelika, Alabama on Thursday morning. There is also a super long-shot at a job in IOWA, doing some kind of statistical data analysis stuff with John Deere. I think that sounds way more awesome than teaching math... but maybe that's just me.

More fun things... we have figured out that Samuel and I need to get out of this house by mid-July so that Jeremy can have us out from under his feet while he does fun things. Like paint our bedroom and ALL the trim in our house. This means I need to leave my job by July 10. It's kind of devastating for me, and I'm trying not to talk about it at work because I get all emotional and weepy. The pregnancy hormones are not helping.

The good thing is, we are actually sorting through all of our stuff and getting rid of a TON, which we really should have done last time we moved. But last time, we were moving out of and in to our own houses. This time we are moving out of our 3 bedroom/full basement house and into 2 bedrooms of my parents' house. I am super thankful for this opportunity! I have spent so much of my life holding on to crap that clutters up my space and my mind, and I am now being forced to let it go. I'm sure I'm still trying to keep too much... but I'm working on it.

I do wish that time would slow down a little. I wake up feeling a little sad every morning because I know that it's one day closer to leaving this life and these friends behind.

Take What Comes, and Live without Complaint...

So.

It looks like we're going to be moving in with my parents this fall.

I don't know if I can express how truly depressing it is to have to leave it behind. I haven't really lived with my parents since I graduated from high school. Sure, I spent summers there while in college, but it was 3 months at a time. 

We are being squashed by our finances, mostly the result of irresponsible choices early in our relationship and an unexpected pregnancy, early in our marriage and prior to the end of my husband's education... and our decision to push our luck in an attempt to let me be a stay-at-home-mom for the first seven months. The reality is, we took a lot of gambles, and most of them have been a loss. 

Jeremy didn't finish his PhD (although he did manage to turn it into a second Master's). We moved to a town that I hated. I left behind the majority of my emotional support. The first year in this new place sucked. My son didn't start sleeping through the night until he was a year old, and I was the only one getting up with him. Every time I made a new friend, they had to move. Literally.

And then? I started working at Starbucks. And it changed my whole life. I made friends. I talked to real adults-- sorry, Jim Dale. Listening to you read Harry Potter on a constant loop just wasn't good enough. I was promoted. I got a new manager-- the best boss, EVER. I became part of a team, a family. Part of a group of people who were interested in my development, professionally and personally. I am not sure I can count the number of times my boss saw me cry and listened to my woes. She was the first person to hear about my miscarriage, other than my husband, obviously. At one o'clock in the morning. She told me to take whatever time I needed to recover. She and one of the other management team members have been there for me in every trial. They gave me candid advice and constructive criticism. I found purpose, drive, and ambition. This summer makes two years of barista bliss. And while I will be leaving this store, it is definitely my intention to stick with the company as long as humanly possible.

A few weeks ago, a store manager position came available in what I consider to be my "home town." In a moment of desperate, delirious hope, I applied. For a shining moment, I thought I could go home. That I could do something to rectify our financial situation. That I could keep us out of my parents' house. But. I'm honestly just not ready for that position yet, and my district manager and my current store manager both know it.

I have to admit that I am doing a lot of grieving about this situation. I tried to put a cheerful face on it for a while. But the truth is... it's going to suck. A lot. A LOT. It's going to try us. It's going to push my relationships to the edge-- my relationship with my mother, my father, my husband, and my child(ren). I am going to have to learn to be far more honest and vocal than I ever was in the past, living with my parents as a child.

You know what, though?

It is going to grow me. Stretch me.

And?

There are so many more terrible things that could be happening in my life. We are not getting chased out of our house. We have someplace to go. My current pregnancy (22.5 weeks now!) is going strong-- healthy and perfect as can be. My son is healthy. My husband has 8 (eight!) educational endorsements in math and science, and should be able to get a job in Alabama with no trouble. We have friends from Virginia Tech who live 2 hours from my parents. My parents have a house that will allow us a measure of privacy. 

I cannot change what is coming. But I can change the way I face it.

"Take what comes, and live without complaint. What will be, will be. Life is woman's gift; death is God's."

Resolution Updates and a Comparison...

It's been 2 whole months since I posted last... I guess that's better than 12 months, though.

Would you like to know how the resolutions are coming along?

•  I did manage to lose some weight, and I was down to 165. And then? I found out that I was pregnant. While I'm no longer doing Weight Watchers... I'm definitely trying to watch myself this time around. Baby's due 10/03!
• Cooking! I've been cooking real food way more often! This is mostly due to the fact that we promoted another supervisor, so I only close one night a week. AND? Yesterday, I learned how to use the delayed start function on my super awesome oven, so that means even more easy dinner options.
• Cake decorating... um. Pregnant. However! I did make peanut butter cups for husband and friends for Valentine's Day.
• Spending more time with my awesome son!  Samuel was pretty sick for about 2 weeks about a month back, and I spent 4 days doing nothing all day except sitting in the recliner and holding him. That time turned Samuel into a total Mama's boy. As in, he WAILS for me at daycare when he wakes mid-nap. He tells Jeremy, "No touching MY MOMMY!" We spend more time cuddling up most mornings, and I've kept him home on days off so we can go to the park and have picnics together. It is pure joy.
• Running? Ha. Pregnant.
• Mass? Uh... I totally missed Ash Wednesday, and I STILL haven't decided what to give up for Lent. Catholic convert fail.
• I've been working hard to stay on top of household tasks lately-- saying no to meeting friends at Starbucks, and turning down invitations to play Settlers of Catan just so I can do laundry, dishes, pick up toys, prep dinner, and scrub the floors. It makes me feel good about myself. Even though I do really love Catan.

 Last night, I fixed a baked ziti type thing for dinner... complete with this sauce.   At first, Samuel refused to eat... and then he became a human vacuum cleaner. He wound up with sauce allllll over his face. It was so cute that we had to take pictures. Then we got to comparing dirty-face/bathtime pictures, and oh my God, just look at this:

Six chubby little months!

2 years and four months!

Laundry Basket, Thy Name is Victory

As soon as Samuel gets home from school (daycare), he demands that we help him take off his shoes and socks.  I'd gotten tired of picking up little stray socks all over the house, and was determined to find a solution that would help maintain my sanity AND teach Samuel good habits.  A few days ago, I bought a very small children's laundry basket at Target. 

When I got it home, I explained to Samuel that his dirty clothes needed to go in the basket.  To reinforce that idea, I helped him put his dirty socks in it, and then made a big deal about it-- complete with cheering and a hug. 

Now?  As soon as we take his socks off, Samuel jumps up and announces that he needs to put his socks in his basket, and takes off down the hall.  Cheering about dirty clothes aaaaaalll the way.  Tonight, as I undressed him for his bath, I had to wait for him to take his clothes into his room, to put in his basket.

Win.

New Year, New Post, New Resolutions

It's been over a year now, since my last post. My writing slowed dramatically when I started working 18 months ago, and has vanished into nothingness.

So, let's recap, shall we?

I got promoted a few weeks after my last post, and am currently a shift supervisor at Starbucks.
I visited my sister in San Diego for July 4 and my birthday.
I came home and got pregnant.
I had a miscarriage 8 weeks later.
Went through some crazy depression (surprise!) and relationship issues for several months.
My son turned 2 right after Thanksgiving.
I lost 15 pounds-- Hey thanks, depression.
We had the most relaxed Christmas ever-- it involved opening gifts, playing with my son, and our family eating frozen pizza for dinner. Also... I think there was snow. But seriously? If every Christmas could be like that one, I would be delirious with joy.

And now?

I have my 18 month review with my store manager on Sunday afternoon. I think we're going to talk extensively about my options for a long-term future with Starbucks... and about the Coffee Master Program, which is super exciting to me!

Jeremy goes back to work on Tuesday after 3.5 weeks at home-- he's a high school Physics teacher. I'm both thankful and sad. We have gotten to spend a lot more time together. And by "a lot more" I mean... we've seen each other more than just 90 minutes a day (usually the maximum during the school year). However... my days off are a lot more productive when I'm alone.

My son? SO SMART. No, really. I don't like to be that perpetually bragging parent... but seriously. He wants to watch "space shuttle rocketships" on YouTube. The real NASA launch videos. He understands using the potty-- although, I don't think he's physically capable just yet. He tells you, "Don't worry" when you look worried. He jokes with us-- about what animals we're looking at, what color something is, etc. He knows that mommy works at the Coffee Store. He loves LOVES vegetables. He peels the breading off of fried okra... and eats just the OKRA. He is super active, as he should be, but he also loves to snuggle up for reading multiple Curious George stories (sometimes up to 75 pages!) and Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel.

We've been doing a ton of work in the house... repainted Samuel's room, re-refinished the kitchen cabinets, sorting through all the crap we should have taken care of when we moved into this house 2.5 years ago. It's been a productive Christmas season for us! Our bathrooms are getting a little touch up next, and then we're repainting our bedroom.

I've been crocheting a lot again, too. I'm working on a Moebius scarf-- it's peacock blue/green and navy. I'll show it to you when I'm done.

On to the resolutions!

1. Seriously lose some weight. No more messing around. I think that 15 pound loss was a motivational jump start for me-- I went down a pants size! I've gone from 185 to 170. I would like to lose another 40 pounds this year.
No.
I want to, and I will.
There.
I put it in writing.

2. Go see a mental health professional and potentially get on some medication. This is something I've talked about doing for years... whenever things get really bad, I tell myself I'm going to. And then I go through a good season, and I tell myself I don't need it. I don't want to live like that anymore-- with that feeling of drowning in sadness, no matter what's going on in my life.

3. Go on a trip with just Jeremy and me. Even if it's only 2 days.

4. Spend time with more "real" adults and other married couples. For me, this is a true challenge! Most of my friends are single and/or younger than I. It's very convenient that way-- they don't have all the obligations that I do, so we work our social events around my life. Ew. That sounds way more self-centered than I meant it to. But really. Hanging out with real adults and other couples (especially those with children) requires a lot more work and more planning ahead. But I am truly resolved. This is something Jeremy and I both need.

5. Attend Mass regularly and get involved at my church. Especially in the choir.

6. Make a cake (even if it's just a dummy) once a week, starting when Jeremy goes back to school. I really need to get my skills back up and I need to learn some new ones. I think I'm going to start practicing with fondant, too. But I think I'm going to hold off on that until this summer, after I've honed my icing skills. I'll try to post pictures as I go.

7. Cook dinner more regularly. And by cook, I do not mean pull Stouffer's from the freezer. Although, I do love their lasagna. Three to four days a week, I have to work during dinner. Jeremy usually goes to the local grocery store and buys dinner for himself and Samuel from the hot bar there. I have a degree in culinary arts, and it's going to waste while my family eats garbage.

8. Keep Samuel home from daycare longer/more often on my days off.

9. Run five miles without stopping.

10. Find joy in every day.

And now... it's 1:05, and Samuel will be up at 7:00 no matter what.
Good night! And good luck to us all this year!

Running Behind...

I haven't been big on New Year Resolutions for a long time.

It was on my list of things to do this year, but we were just having too much fun during Jeremy's break from school. I came down with strep on December 22 and was sick through Christmas. Samuel and Jeremy came down with it on December 28. The in-laws were here on New Year's Day. In two and a half weeks, I never had the house to myself. I never made it to Mass. There was no chance for me to settle down and get all deep and introspective.

I'm off from work on Wednesday and Thursday this week, and you'd better believe I'll be spending most of it alone. Blessedly alone. Hopefully, on Wednesday I'll take Samuel to daycare, and then come home to a bottle of sparkling white wine (oh, Moscato d'Asti, how I adore you!), fold laundry, watch a movie, and go get a hair cut. I'd like to throw fixing a nice dinner into those plans as well. On Thursday, I think I'd like to go into the basement and do some SERIOUS sorting and reorganizing. We'll see about that.

This is what I see in my mental dictionary when I hear the word resolution

"Resolution: (noun) the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance."

What? Yeah, I know. The musician in me just can't help it.

Besides being determined to do something, resolutions are (for me) a chance to rid my life of the dissonance. A chance to fill my life with a peaceful, graceful harmony.

So, here are a list of dissonances and the resolutions I hope to achieve:

1. I have always had a shaky relationship with women. This includes myself. I find myself being cynical, rude, degrading, and sometimes just hateful about females. I would like to take more risks in my friendships this year. I intend to step out of my comfort zone more often, and to extend a hand of friendship to more females. I hope to be more loving, kind, and understanding toward my fellow women.

2. I battle constant insecurity. About my work, my intellect, my appearance, my ability as a mother, as a wife, as a lover, as a friend, as a Christian. It's exhausting and confusing. This year, I will work toward being more accepting of who I am, and who I am supposed to be. I will shake off the fear of what others might think.

3. My health has always been at the bottom of the totem pole. I have really abused my body-- too much food, too much caffeine, and not enough water, sleep, exercise, or veggies. My immune system has been so resilient, but when I got strep I realized that I have been expecting it to be strong no matter what. That needs to stop. I will start taking better care of my body. It's the only one I've got.

4. Self-discipline. I know. I just said that I want to be accepting of who I am (which is an easy-going, relaxed, artsy-type), but now I'm saying I want to change who I am? No, not really. I just want to be a little less... chaotic. I think it's necessary for achieving most of my other resolutions.

And here are some goals, which I know some people would consider to be resolutions also... but I think of them more as secondary things.

1. Get my wisdom teeth taken care of. Yes, I still have them. 3 of 4 are impacted, and Jeremy and I think this might be part of the cause of my frequent head/neck pain.

2. Lose some weight. In a perfect world, where Samuel naps when he should and sleeps through the night, and I stay home with him, and have time to consistently fix good meals and exercise, I would say fifty-sixty pounds. In the real world though, where I work a fluctuating schedule at Starbucks and don't eat well, I will say thirty.

3. Get pregnant. Note that this is last. That is because I don't want to do this one until I have done the other two. I think that is sensible.

So.

Here's to 2010!

I think I'll go drink a lot of water, and go to sleep now. With the intention of getting up early and running in the morning. We'll see.

You Are Loved

I adore Josh Groban. He's definitely on The List. While driving home from bowling with several nerdy (read: awesome) people, I heard this song on the radio:

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one is to be heard
You are loved

I totally choked up while driving. I know. Sappy. But you know, my husband has really embodied the spirit of this song on several occasions.

Throughout our conversion to the Catholic Church, our wedding plans, my multiple solo trips, our school plans, the surprise pregnancy, my hormones and the crazy depression that ensued.

Through our move, my seven months at home with Samuel, my transition to working mom, and even now during my transition to balanced working adult with child, Jeremy has held me while I cried, volunteered to watch Samuel while I go do things (like bowl and go to fraternity reunions) on my own, and made me talk (with frankness and honesty) about things that are bothering me.

When I tell him that I just don't know how to solve my unhappiness, he tells me that it is okay, and that I am never alone.

He encourages me to better myself and to do things that make me a stronger, healthier individual-- emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I know there are a lot of people who believe that I must be a total doormat, that I was one of those silly girls who wasn't "complete" without a husband, and that I have lost all of my identity.

I've been a lot of different people in the past. I have done a lot of pretending. I have worn several masks. Oh sure, on occasion there was a person I could trust-- my sister, Mary. My best friend, Sarah. But they have been rare.

In reality, Jeremy has helped me find my inner strength and has helped bring out who I really am. Granted, I was on that road when we met, but I realized that he was somebody with whom I could truly be free.

I could go on for hours (and maybe you feel like I have!), talking about the man that Jeremy is. But really, I would say that all anybody has to do is compare who I was ten years ago to who I am now... and they will see.

I am so thankful to know, even on the worst of days, even when we're unhappy about a situation or an action, that I am loved as ME.

On the Precipice

It's been about a month since the last time I wrote anything. A long month.

In half an hour, I turn 26. "Old as dirt," as my father would say. But I don't feel all that old. I guess it's a good thing :)

In 7.5 hours, I will drop Samuel off at daycare for the first time ever. All the stuff is packed up-- diapers, wipes, food, bibs. Bottles are in the fridge, waiting to be zipped into a insulated bag with a Medela ice pack. We've finally got Samuel going back and forth, from breast to bottle and back. That's something we should have taken care of a long time ago... but I wanted to postpone the inevitable. I loved being selfish and keeping him to myself. I loved that sense of being important and needed.

In 9.5 hours, I return to the work world. At Starbucks! To be honest, I've wanted to work for Starbucks for AGES. That part of me is thrilled. I love hands-on, high energy, fast-paced work. And people! I love people. And then... there's the free and discounted coffee. Definitely looking forward to that part.

I've decided that I need to be the one to drop Samuel off tomorrow for a few reasons:

• That's how it's going to be when Jeremy goes back to work next month. Why make things more difficult with MORE transitions?
• I want to make sure I get everything straight-- you know, the annoying details. Did I pack the right stuff? Does more of it need to be labeled? etc.
• And finally. If I drop him off at 7:00, it gives me plenty of time to come home, sob all over Jeremy, and get composed before I go to work.

I'm trying to have a positive outlook on the situation. I will probably cherish every.single.second of time that I have with Samuel, rather than looking for moments to sneak away. Jeremy will be able to get stuff done around the house, which he couldn't do with Samuel underfoot-- kitchen work, yard work, research paper stuff, etc. Somebody else will have to handle the naps. I can talk to adults other than Jeremy. I will come home smelling like coffee. My boss seems to be an excellent combination of friendly and businessy. Starbucks plays excellent music.

And so, I quote the Lady Galadriel in my moment of emotional melodrama.

My "quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while all the Company is true."

It's going to be a bumpy (and probably weepy) few weeks. If I get all bogged down in the negatives and let my emotions run all over me, I know I will come completely unhinged. But. As long as I have friends to lean on, and my wonderful supportive husband, I know that good will come of all of this. My Company is true!

Wantiness, Stuff, and Sensibility

Today, I found the greatest find in my history as a mom.

A Chicco Cortina Stroller. For free.

That brings us to a total of 4 strollers (don't ask): a Bell Jogger, a Graco Passage, a Graco Glider, and the Chicco Cortina. Also, 2 Graco SnugRides

My brilliant plan was to sell off all things Graco.

Yay!

Then Jeremy got all reasonable and logic-y with me. We should sell one SnugRide, one Graco stroller and... the Chicco. Because in order to use the Chicco conveniently with the future children, we would have to buy a Chicco car seat.

I was not opposed to buying a different car seat for the next child... after all, the Gracos will be expired by the time he shows up. Then, I went to the Chicco website and looked. Car seat= $180.

Even in my continuous state of "cute stuff" wantiness... I cannot justify that.

7 (yarn-related) Quick Takes Friday (#12)

1. Jeremy and I have been talking a great deal about the big fuss everybody seems to be making these days over soy and bamboo yarns and fabrics. The manufacturers like to call them "natural fibers." We were suspicious and investigated. The conclusion is no. There is very little about these yarns that is natural, save their origin. The plants are ground up and mixed with some chemicals, and then spun, etc. boring chemistry stuff, and then... you have very pretty, very soft threads. So really... soy and bamboo fabric is a subset of the rayon (made from trees) family, which also includes things like "viscose" and modal (made specifically from the beech tree).

On a positive note, soy threads are made from the waste product of soy processing plants, rather than brand new plants... unlike bamboo. Yes, I know... bamboo takes care of itself. Also, the quantity of chemical products used is kept to a minimum because they can use the same batch of chemicals repeatedly.

2. It has been raining for days. Okay, maybe not. But it feels like it. So much so that I had to put away my regular crochet project (which will be cream, brown, and blue) and start some advance work on Christmas presents... which will be made with this lovely Moonlight Mohair from Lion Brand Yarn. It has bright colors and some sparkle, making it perfect for rainy days and gift-giving.

3. I would like to know why so many yarns are mostly acrylic.

4. And why doesn't anybody produce a nice soft cotton yarn in a large skein. Why does my yarn only come in 3.5 oz. skeins? My favorite yarn of late is "I Love this Cotton" from Hobby Lobby, by the way.

5. I have a terrible habit of picking up yarns "just in case." Especially at my local Big Lots-- don't judge! But come on... if I can pick up several skeins of $6-$8 yarn for $1.50, I'm not going to say no. Even if they are small.

6. Once a long time ago, I tried to use some boucle/very textured yarn. It was a disaster. I had to pull out stitches repeatedly, and it wasn't long before it was all tangled up. I told myself I would never ever ever use that stuff again. And then... I found this stuff. I thought, "No.Way.No.No.No." And then I thought, "Oh... it's so bright and happy looking. I could make a really cute blanket for Samuel. It would be perfect for him. Oh look... the name of the color is Jellybean. How can I say no?" So... those three skeins followed me home. Today, I remembered why my first instinct was to run.away. Because that stuff is a tangly mess. It's impossible to see your stitches!

7. This is not yarn-related, but I'll include it for my sister Mary, who doesn't really care about yarn, and reads my blog no matter how terrible my posts are... and lets me know when I've misspelled things. Especially in posts that criticize other people. Who probably read the title of this and said, "Sheila. Really?"

Today was the last day of school for Jeremy. And so, I am letting Samuel cry tonight. I actually had to stop in the middle of #4 to calm him down a little bit. I know that probably negates the purpose of letting him cry... but when he gets to screaming, I just don't think it's very productive. They say that you usually see the best results after three nights. By God, I hope so. I am ready for a full night of sleep.

Couponing

So... I'm trying to use coupons.

Tonight, I retail therapied at CVS and the grocery store. Here's where it went, and the regular retail price:

• Neti pot 11.99
• Bacon 2.89
• Chicken Drumsticks 4.39
• Chicken Thighs 5.24
• Dozen Eggs 1.09
• Breyer's Vanilla Ice Cream 5.19
• French Bread 1.89
• Pedicure set 9.99
• 2 Nail polishes 7.98
• French manicure stickers 2.49
  
• 2 pairs of Rubber Gloves 4.16 (these are to protect my French manicures... it was retail therapy, remember?)
  

Grand Total: $60.16

After coupons, Extra Bucks, and bonus cards, I paid...

$36.06

In which Samuel comes totally unhinged.

We got my Samuel the cutest ducky tub ever. It is inflatable and quacks when you press the beak. I thought it was a great idea-- Samuel would love it, and it wouldn't make a mess in the kitchen anymore. I mean, the kid is 20 pounds and 27.5 inches... he's getting a little big for that kitchen sink tub.

For 3 days in a row, Samuel screamed hysterically when we put him in it! Even when I got in the big tub, he was NOT.HAPPY. On the second day, we put the ducky in the living room and let him sit in it there. It was fine. Bath time comes around. Screaming ensues.

Yeah. Not sure what else to do about that.

Also, Samuel has slept all night three times. THREE. Ever. That's it. One of those was last week. Once school is over though, Jeremy is going to participate in the late-nightness. And it's going to be awesome.

I hope.

7 Quick Takes Friday (#11)

1. Remember that time that I was so excited about Jeremy's new job? Well, guess what Jeremy's current school system has done? After first telling Jeremy that his job was going to the department "coordinator, " they offered him a job in middle school science because that was "all they had left". Seriously? I mean, the man has a Masters degree. In Physics. From Virginia Tech. A governor's school offered him a job teaching Physics. Jeremy says yes and tells the current school goodbye. Thennnnn... the current school system says, "Oh wait! We have a Chemistry/Physics position available at the hoity-toity magnet school." Drama.

Now we have to investigate a bunch of crap and make another decision. That's the part that bothers me most.

2. On a happy note, we took dinner to Charlottle and Rob Melton tonight and met little Bobby. What a joyful little family!

3. After hounding us to death, Verizon finally offered us a deal that was too sweet to pass up and we renewed our contract. That means... I got a new phone. Yay!

4. Until about 2 months ago, Samuel slept great! Usually slept 9-3 and then 3-7. I didn't mind getting up and doing that middle of the night feeding AT ALL. Fast forward to... last night. When he was up 15 times. 7-8 of those were with in 10 (ten! TEN!) minutes of each other. I gave him some Tylenol tonight, hoping that it was teeth. Oh God, I hope this fixes it.

5. One of the things that I look forward to now is September! One of my favorite bloggers is helping to host a mommy-blogger get together in Sacramento, and I have every intention of attending. I also want to visit Mary in San Diego that week, since I'll be on the West Coast already. I just need to figure out what to do with my 10 month old that week...

6. Oh my God... I'm too tired to do anymore.

Oh No!

For Christmas, I was crafty and frugal. I made microwaveable heat bags out of corn-- you know, the kind you heat and put around your neck/shoulders, midsection, etc.

I have enough stuff to make about 50 more of them. Including a big 50 pound bag of feed corn sitting in my office.

I was on the floor playing with Samuel when I heard this strange noise. I thought it was the plastic bags rustling.

I kept hearing it. So... I moved the plastic bags.

Then, I put some of the corn in a clear Ziploc bag for Samuel to play with.

To my shock and horror, I saw BUGS crawling around in the bag a few minutes after sealing.

My gross conclusion?

Enough time has passed that BUGS have infested my bag of feed corn... and I can HEAR them CHEWING!

Time to throw away the corn.

Ew!

7 Quick Takes Friday (#10)

1. I wish I could have stolen this shopping cart from PetSmart... and that it was collapsible like my current stroller. I just popped Samuel's car seat onto that upper ledge (which is difficult to see in the sunlight) and loaded the bottom and the basket up with stuff. SO EASY. Seriously, it was the best shopping cart/car seat I have ever experienced.

I guess it would be almost just as good if my current stroller had a grocery basket attachment. It does have a basket underneath... but people tend to think that you're stealing if you start putting things down there before you have paid for them.

2. When I was a senior in high school... we got a new band director, whom most of us judged (probably wrongfully) and disrespected a lot. The one good thing that came of this-- several of us started to crochet. In rehearsal. To date, I have finished 2 (TWO!) blankets. One of them was a 16th birthday gift for my sister... 8 YEARS ago. The other one, I finished last night.

After browsing my friend Meghan's Etsy shop, ThreadedGoodness, I was inspired to start a really nice project. I do pretty decent casual work (read: EASY and FAST), but Meg's work is beautiful. I like to think that I'll commission her to do a piece for each of my children... someday.

Did I mention that Meg was in band with me?

3. That said... I wish people would learn to PUNCTUATE. Seriously. When the directions the really nice project that I'm starting look like this:

"Rnd 4: Ch1, sc in same st as joining, sc in each sc, dc and ch 1 sp around working (sc, ch2, sc) in corner ch3 sps, join to first sc (44 sc, 4 ch 2 sps)"

I am bound to have issues. I started my FIRST SQUARE about 6 (SIX!) times! Every time I got to the part I emphasized in my sample above, I got so confused. And then... I read the directions out loud. And I got it. In fact, I made 2 very nice squares last night.

4. I feel like this is turning into 7 Quick Takes, the Arts and Crafts edition. Oh well. Yesterday, I was researching appropriate toys for 6 month olds... because Samuel will be 6 months on Thursday. And he seems to be totally disinterested in several of his toys. The first thing I saw on the list was these soft blocks, made of organic wool felt. For $30. Six blocks for thirty dollars. $5 each... for blocks.

So, I took myself over to Hobby Lobby (the name of which, always makes me giggle) and purchased some plain, manmade, not-organic felt. Then, I had an intensive session with the hot glue gun. This picture is the end result. These are filled with whole feed corn... which I also use to fill microwaveable heat pads... which means I have a 50 POUND bag sitting behind me here in the office.

5. Speaking of Samuel... he's getting SO big! And sturdy. And I think I hear him rolling around in the crib, even though he's supposed to be napping and I put him down almost 30 minutes ago. Anyway. I put him in the shopping cart seat for the first time this week. SO!CUTE! I'm excited because now I can use the shopping cart cover that I bought. I don't really care about the germ-protection aspect... it just looks like it will be comfortable and entertaining.

6. Baby Bobby Melton was discharged from the hospital and sent home on Wednesday! YAY!! I'm sure that prayers are still wanted and welcome.

7. At some point in her college life, I gave my sister a moka pot. I found it, still in the box, in her things last week, while I was sorting through some boxes she left with us when she went to live in Spain. Since I know she has another one in her apartment in San Diego, I knew she wouldn't mind donating to the cause of my sanity. I've never been so glad to take back a gift in all my life.

Disparity

Hi. My name is Sheila.

I went to Culinary school.
I spent a lot of time writing menus with fancy descriptions of entrees,
Prepping for huge banquets,
Making ice carvings,
Serving opera stars,
Learning about garnishes and folded napkins,
Designing concept kitchens for fabulous imaginary restaurants,
etc.

Tonight, we are having...

Baked potatoes with canned chili and steamed broccoli--
the kind that comes in a bag from the freezer section.

What is the world coming to?

And yes, I did end that sentence with a preposition.

There is nothing IRONIC about SHOW CHOIR!

Since the season finale of Battlestar Galactica a few months ago, I was convinced that I would never fall in love again. All my other shows have declined drastically in importance. American Idol? Eh. Stargate? Eh. Doctor Who? Hmmm... there is a new Doctor, but until I see him in action I can't really make a call on that one.

But wait!

Last night, I watched the "preview" episode of Glee on Fox. I was really afraid that it would turn into High School Musical Infinity. No offense to those who love HSM. I digress. Glee was...

FABULOUS! The music is awesome. The satire is satisfying. It reminds me of all the reasons that I'm glad to be done with high school, without making me grouchy or bitter. Did I mention the music? Seriously. As they change scenes, personal views, etc. they play... vocal percussion and warm-up sounds. Last night's soundtrack included: Respect, I Kissed a Girl, On My Own, Can't Fight this Feeling, You're the One that I Want, Rehab, and Don't Stop Believing. If nothing else, I will watch this show every week just to listen to the music. Like a weekly musical pick me up.

Huzzah for a new show... doesn't doesn't start until FALL.