Moving, Transfers, and the Magical Speeding up of Time When You Want it to SLOW DOWN.

The management that I've dealt with since being with Starbucks (two years on July 6!) has been generally awesome. My store manager is phenomenal, as are my fellow shift supervisors, the several other store managers in my district that I've had contact with have been great, and my district manager is usually amazing.

However. 

I am currently annoyed. 

• I asked my district manager about the proper protocol for transferral.  
• She gave me some directions, which I followed. 
• I then left her a voicemail to follow up on my actions and received NO FEEDBACK. 
• So I contacted the DM of the district that I'm hoping to transfer to... she sent an email to my DM here in Virginia... who contacted my store manager and wanted to know why I was not following the proper chains of communication.
• The DM said I needed to fill out a form. 
• I did that, and left it with my store manager to finish and send to the DM. 
• AND THEN I find out that I was supposed to have done all this extra leg work and found a store to transfer to FIRST. 

WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT THE DM TOLD ME TO DO THE FIRST TIME I ASKED.

Long story short, I lost nearly a month in the transfer process because my DM didn't tell me the right things to do. UGH.

Jeremy is going to interview for a teaching position in Opelika, Alabama on Thursday morning. There is also a super long-shot at a job in IOWA, doing some kind of statistical data analysis stuff with John Deere. I think that sounds way more awesome than teaching math... but maybe that's just me.

More fun things... we have figured out that Samuel and I need to get out of this house by mid-July so that Jeremy can have us out from under his feet while he does fun things. Like paint our bedroom and ALL the trim in our house. This means I need to leave my job by July 10. It's kind of devastating for me, and I'm trying not to talk about it at work because I get all emotional and weepy. The pregnancy hormones are not helping.

The good thing is, we are actually sorting through all of our stuff and getting rid of a TON, which we really should have done last time we moved. But last time, we were moving out of and in to our own houses. This time we are moving out of our 3 bedroom/full basement house and into 2 bedrooms of my parents' house. I am super thankful for this opportunity! I have spent so much of my life holding on to crap that clutters up my space and my mind, and I am now being forced to let it go. I'm sure I'm still trying to keep too much... but I'm working on it.

I do wish that time would slow down a little. I wake up feeling a little sad every morning because I know that it's one day closer to leaving this life and these friends behind.

Take What Comes, and Live without Complaint...

So.

It looks like we're going to be moving in with my parents this fall.

I don't know if I can express how truly depressing it is to have to leave it behind. I haven't really lived with my parents since I graduated from high school. Sure, I spent summers there while in college, but it was 3 months at a time. 

We are being squashed by our finances, mostly the result of irresponsible choices early in our relationship and an unexpected pregnancy, early in our marriage and prior to the end of my husband's education... and our decision to push our luck in an attempt to let me be a stay-at-home-mom for the first seven months. The reality is, we took a lot of gambles, and most of them have been a loss. 

Jeremy didn't finish his PhD (although he did manage to turn it into a second Master's). We moved to a town that I hated. I left behind the majority of my emotional support. The first year in this new place sucked. My son didn't start sleeping through the night until he was a year old, and I was the only one getting up with him. Every time I made a new friend, they had to move. Literally.

And then? I started working at Starbucks. And it changed my whole life. I made friends. I talked to real adults-- sorry, Jim Dale. Listening to you read Harry Potter on a constant loop just wasn't good enough. I was promoted. I got a new manager-- the best boss, EVER. I became part of a team, a family. Part of a group of people who were interested in my development, professionally and personally. I am not sure I can count the number of times my boss saw me cry and listened to my woes. She was the first person to hear about my miscarriage, other than my husband, obviously. At one o'clock in the morning. She told me to take whatever time I needed to recover. She and one of the other management team members have been there for me in every trial. They gave me candid advice and constructive criticism. I found purpose, drive, and ambition. This summer makes two years of barista bliss. And while I will be leaving this store, it is definitely my intention to stick with the company as long as humanly possible.

A few weeks ago, a store manager position came available in what I consider to be my "home town." In a moment of desperate, delirious hope, I applied. For a shining moment, I thought I could go home. That I could do something to rectify our financial situation. That I could keep us out of my parents' house. But. I'm honestly just not ready for that position yet, and my district manager and my current store manager both know it.

I have to admit that I am doing a lot of grieving about this situation. I tried to put a cheerful face on it for a while. But the truth is... it's going to suck. A lot. A LOT. It's going to try us. It's going to push my relationships to the edge-- my relationship with my mother, my father, my husband, and my child(ren). I am going to have to learn to be far more honest and vocal than I ever was in the past, living with my parents as a child.

You know what, though?

It is going to grow me. Stretch me.

And?

There are so many more terrible things that could be happening in my life. We are not getting chased out of our house. We have someplace to go. My current pregnancy (22.5 weeks now!) is going strong-- healthy and perfect as can be. My son is healthy. My husband has 8 (eight!) educational endorsements in math and science, and should be able to get a job in Alabama with no trouble. We have friends from Virginia Tech who live 2 hours from my parents. My parents have a house that will allow us a measure of privacy. 

I cannot change what is coming. But I can change the way I face it.

"Take what comes, and live without complaint. What will be, will be. Life is woman's gift; death is God's."

Resolution Updates and a Comparison...

It's been 2 whole months since I posted last... I guess that's better than 12 months, though.

Would you like to know how the resolutions are coming along?

•  I did manage to lose some weight, and I was down to 165. And then? I found out that I was pregnant. While I'm no longer doing Weight Watchers... I'm definitely trying to watch myself this time around. Baby's due 10/03!
• Cooking! I've been cooking real food way more often! This is mostly due to the fact that we promoted another supervisor, so I only close one night a week. AND? Yesterday, I learned how to use the delayed start function on my super awesome oven, so that means even more easy dinner options.
• Cake decorating... um. Pregnant. However! I did make peanut butter cups for husband and friends for Valentine's Day.
• Spending more time with my awesome son!  Samuel was pretty sick for about 2 weeks about a month back, and I spent 4 days doing nothing all day except sitting in the recliner and holding him. That time turned Samuel into a total Mama's boy. As in, he WAILS for me at daycare when he wakes mid-nap. He tells Jeremy, "No touching MY MOMMY!" We spend more time cuddling up most mornings, and I've kept him home on days off so we can go to the park and have picnics together. It is pure joy.
• Running? Ha. Pregnant.
• Mass? Uh... I totally missed Ash Wednesday, and I STILL haven't decided what to give up for Lent. Catholic convert fail.
• I've been working hard to stay on top of household tasks lately-- saying no to meeting friends at Starbucks, and turning down invitations to play Settlers of Catan just so I can do laundry, dishes, pick up toys, prep dinner, and scrub the floors. It makes me feel good about myself. Even though I do really love Catan.

 Last night, I fixed a baked ziti type thing for dinner... complete with this sauce.   At first, Samuel refused to eat... and then he became a human vacuum cleaner. He wound up with sauce allllll over his face. It was so cute that we had to take pictures. Then we got to comparing dirty-face/bathtime pictures, and oh my God, just look at this:

Six chubby little months!

2 years and four months!

Laundry Basket, Thy Name is Victory

As soon as Samuel gets home from school (daycare), he demands that we help him take off his shoes and socks.  I'd gotten tired of picking up little stray socks all over the house, and was determined to find a solution that would help maintain my sanity AND teach Samuel good habits.  A few days ago, I bought a very small children's laundry basket at Target. 

When I got it home, I explained to Samuel that his dirty clothes needed to go in the basket.  To reinforce that idea, I helped him put his dirty socks in it, and then made a big deal about it-- complete with cheering and a hug. 

Now?  As soon as we take his socks off, Samuel jumps up and announces that he needs to put his socks in his basket, and takes off down the hall.  Cheering about dirty clothes aaaaaalll the way.  Tonight, as I undressed him for his bath, I had to wait for him to take his clothes into his room, to put in his basket.

Win.

New Year, New Post, New Resolutions

It's been over a year now, since my last post. My writing slowed dramatically when I started working 18 months ago, and has vanished into nothingness.

So, let's recap, shall we?

I got promoted a few weeks after my last post, and am currently a shift supervisor at Starbucks.
I visited my sister in San Diego for July 4 and my birthday.
I came home and got pregnant.
I had a miscarriage 8 weeks later.
Went through some crazy depression (surprise!) and relationship issues for several months.
My son turned 2 right after Thanksgiving.
I lost 15 pounds-- Hey thanks, depression.
We had the most relaxed Christmas ever-- it involved opening gifts, playing with my son, and our family eating frozen pizza for dinner. Also... I think there was snow. But seriously? If every Christmas could be like that one, I would be delirious with joy.

And now?

I have my 18 month review with my store manager on Sunday afternoon. I think we're going to talk extensively about my options for a long-term future with Starbucks... and about the Coffee Master Program, which is super exciting to me!

Jeremy goes back to work on Tuesday after 3.5 weeks at home-- he's a high school Physics teacher. I'm both thankful and sad. We have gotten to spend a lot more time together. And by "a lot more" I mean... we've seen each other more than just 90 minutes a day (usually the maximum during the school year). However... my days off are a lot more productive when I'm alone.

My son? SO SMART. No, really. I don't like to be that perpetually bragging parent... but seriously. He wants to watch "space shuttle rocketships" on YouTube. The real NASA launch videos. He understands using the potty-- although, I don't think he's physically capable just yet. He tells you, "Don't worry" when you look worried. He jokes with us-- about what animals we're looking at, what color something is, etc. He knows that mommy works at the Coffee Store. He loves LOVES vegetables. He peels the breading off of fried okra... and eats just the OKRA. He is super active, as he should be, but he also loves to snuggle up for reading multiple Curious George stories (sometimes up to 75 pages!) and Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel.

We've been doing a ton of work in the house... repainted Samuel's room, re-refinished the kitchen cabinets, sorting through all the crap we should have taken care of when we moved into this house 2.5 years ago. It's been a productive Christmas season for us! Our bathrooms are getting a little touch up next, and then we're repainting our bedroom.

I've been crocheting a lot again, too. I'm working on a Moebius scarf-- it's peacock blue/green and navy. I'll show it to you when I'm done.

On to the resolutions!

1. Seriously lose some weight. No more messing around. I think that 15 pound loss was a motivational jump start for me-- I went down a pants size! I've gone from 185 to 170. I would like to lose another 40 pounds this year.
No.
I want to, and I will.
There.
I put it in writing.

2. Go see a mental health professional and potentially get on some medication. This is something I've talked about doing for years... whenever things get really bad, I tell myself I'm going to. And then I go through a good season, and I tell myself I don't need it. I don't want to live like that anymore-- with that feeling of drowning in sadness, no matter what's going on in my life.

3. Go on a trip with just Jeremy and me. Even if it's only 2 days.

4. Spend time with more "real" adults and other married couples. For me, this is a true challenge! Most of my friends are single and/or younger than I. It's very convenient that way-- they don't have all the obligations that I do, so we work our social events around my life. Ew. That sounds way more self-centered than I meant it to. But really. Hanging out with real adults and other couples (especially those with children) requires a lot more work and more planning ahead. But I am truly resolved. This is something Jeremy and I both need.

5. Attend Mass regularly and get involved at my church. Especially in the choir.

6. Make a cake (even if it's just a dummy) once a week, starting when Jeremy goes back to school. I really need to get my skills back up and I need to learn some new ones. I think I'm going to start practicing with fondant, too. But I think I'm going to hold off on that until this summer, after I've honed my icing skills. I'll try to post pictures as I go.

7. Cook dinner more regularly. And by cook, I do not mean pull Stouffer's from the freezer. Although, I do love their lasagna. Three to four days a week, I have to work during dinner. Jeremy usually goes to the local grocery store and buys dinner for himself and Samuel from the hot bar there. I have a degree in culinary arts, and it's going to waste while my family eats garbage.

8. Keep Samuel home from daycare longer/more often on my days off.

9. Run five miles without stopping.

10. Find joy in every day.

And now... it's 1:05, and Samuel will be up at 7:00 no matter what.
Good night! And good luck to us all this year!

Running Behind...

I haven't been big on New Year Resolutions for a long time.

It was on my list of things to do this year, but we were just having too much fun during Jeremy's break from school. I came down with strep on December 22 and was sick through Christmas. Samuel and Jeremy came down with it on December 28. The in-laws were here on New Year's Day. In two and a half weeks, I never had the house to myself. I never made it to Mass. There was no chance for me to settle down and get all deep and introspective.

I'm off from work on Wednesday and Thursday this week, and you'd better believe I'll be spending most of it alone. Blessedly alone. Hopefully, on Wednesday I'll take Samuel to daycare, and then come home to a bottle of sparkling white wine (oh, Moscato d'Asti, how I adore you!), fold laundry, watch a movie, and go get a hair cut. I'd like to throw fixing a nice dinner into those plans as well. On Thursday, I think I'd like to go into the basement and do some SERIOUS sorting and reorganizing. We'll see about that.

This is what I see in my mental dictionary when I hear the word resolution

"Resolution: (noun) the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance."

What? Yeah, I know. The musician in me just can't help it.

Besides being determined to do something, resolutions are (for me) a chance to rid my life of the dissonance. A chance to fill my life with a peaceful, graceful harmony.

So, here are a list of dissonances and the resolutions I hope to achieve:

1. I have always had a shaky relationship with women. This includes myself. I find myself being cynical, rude, degrading, and sometimes just hateful about females. I would like to take more risks in my friendships this year. I intend to step out of my comfort zone more often, and to extend a hand of friendship to more females. I hope to be more loving, kind, and understanding toward my fellow women.

2. I battle constant insecurity. About my work, my intellect, my appearance, my ability as a mother, as a wife, as a lover, as a friend, as a Christian. It's exhausting and confusing. This year, I will work toward being more accepting of who I am, and who I am supposed to be. I will shake off the fear of what others might think.

3. My health has always been at the bottom of the totem pole. I have really abused my body-- too much food, too much caffeine, and not enough water, sleep, exercise, or veggies. My immune system has been so resilient, but when I got strep I realized that I have been expecting it to be strong no matter what. That needs to stop. I will start taking better care of my body. It's the only one I've got.

4. Self-discipline. I know. I just said that I want to be accepting of who I am (which is an easy-going, relaxed, artsy-type), but now I'm saying I want to change who I am? No, not really. I just want to be a little less... chaotic. I think it's necessary for achieving most of my other resolutions.

And here are some goals, which I know some people would consider to be resolutions also... but I think of them more as secondary things.

1. Get my wisdom teeth taken care of. Yes, I still have them. 3 of 4 are impacted, and Jeremy and I think this might be part of the cause of my frequent head/neck pain.

2. Lose some weight. In a perfect world, where Samuel naps when he should and sleeps through the night, and I stay home with him, and have time to consistently fix good meals and exercise, I would say fifty-sixty pounds. In the real world though, where I work a fluctuating schedule at Starbucks and don't eat well, I will say thirty.

3. Get pregnant. Note that this is last. That is because I don't want to do this one until I have done the other two. I think that is sensible.

So.

Here's to 2010!

I think I'll go drink a lot of water, and go to sleep now. With the intention of getting up early and running in the morning. We'll see.

You Are Loved

I adore Josh Groban. He's definitely on The List. While driving home from bowling with several nerdy (read: awesome) people, I heard this song on the radio:

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one is to be heard
You are loved

I totally choked up while driving. I know. Sappy. But you know, my husband has really embodied the spirit of this song on several occasions.

Throughout our conversion to the Catholic Church, our wedding plans, my multiple solo trips, our school plans, the surprise pregnancy, my hormones and the crazy depression that ensued.

Through our move, my seven months at home with Samuel, my transition to working mom, and even now during my transition to balanced working adult with child, Jeremy has held me while I cried, volunteered to watch Samuel while I go do things (like bowl and go to fraternity reunions) on my own, and made me talk (with frankness and honesty) about things that are bothering me.

When I tell him that I just don't know how to solve my unhappiness, he tells me that it is okay, and that I am never alone.

He encourages me to better myself and to do things that make me a stronger, healthier individual-- emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I know there are a lot of people who believe that I must be a total doormat, that I was one of those silly girls who wasn't "complete" without a husband, and that I have lost all of my identity.

I've been a lot of different people in the past. I have done a lot of pretending. I have worn several masks. Oh sure, on occasion there was a person I could trust-- my sister, Mary. My best friend, Sarah. But they have been rare.

In reality, Jeremy has helped me find my inner strength and has helped bring out who I really am. Granted, I was on that road when we met, but I realized that he was somebody with whom I could truly be free.

I could go on for hours (and maybe you feel like I have!), talking about the man that Jeremy is. But really, I would say that all anybody has to do is compare who I was ten years ago to who I am now... and they will see.

I am so thankful to know, even on the worst of days, even when we're unhappy about a situation or an action, that I am loved as ME.